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"how can so much good exist in such a tiny heart" [18 Aug 2009|10:18am] [ mood | nervous ] [ music | my (her) space holiday ] I am moving. To san jose, to go to school, and start being a grown up. blah. Im excited, and so sad at the same time. I hope im ready for all of this, I know that this school is where I want to be, I just wish boy was coming too. How could we not be together, he is my fish, my soske (from ponyo), my twin, my best friend, my very favorite thing in the whole world ever. I got kittens! I have named them little scout (girl) and b.b (boy)..which stands for big brother and bad boy..cuz he is nothing but trouble, they are little black panther kitties, the girl is like a super dark tabby, its so weird because she looks black, but she has light grey underneath and when the light is right you can see her stripes. the boy is all black too. but dark, and no tabby showing through. I love dem. Im going to talk to someone about my student loan (gross) and then im going to pop back into bed i think.  Im so nervous about everything, especially my future. xox kiddo bang bang and a bullet through my head.

[11 Oct 2008|03:01pm] I just want to give up. bang bang and a bullet through my head.

no, nothings wrong.. im fine.. [13 Aug 2008|11:43pm] [ mood | disappointed ] [ music | mewithoutyou ] I dont even know why I want it..or expect to find it.  Every day it becomes more and more apparent...completely reinforced..like me fighting a fucking tank. And I always just let it go..with an "oh..k" or "no im fine really, its fine".  But everyone is always going to expect me to be nice...use me..be rude and or mean to me..and then get all worked up when I actually do point out that im sad or hurt or angry. No one is ever going to take care of me..and I dont know why that is such a big thing for me..."people" point out its because I always have had to look out for myself..and take care of others. I am always going to be overlooked...always. I am always going to be in the middle of things...I am never going to be the most important...unless I just stop. What if I just wasnt nice anymore...wasnt letting shit slide constantly..wasnt ignored or walked all over or any of this bullshit..what if I was selfish and only did what I felt like...well then I wouldnt really even be me..and plus I would be an asshole...but then at least I would fucking fit in! selfish jealous bitch...call me what you want..you wont be the first. "emotional fuckwittage"....new fav. saying did have first ever real massage today..was lovely bang bang and a bullet through my head.

[25 May 2008|07:57pm] "Someday you WILL be loved" "I know your heart belongs to someone you've yet to meet" could mr. ben gibbard be correct? sad but true? KC..I MISS YOU..and need a friend! bang bang and a bullet through my head.

it was never you she said [25 May 2008|04:20pm] [ mood | infuriated ] [ music | mewithoutyou ] ONCE UPON A TIME....what the fuck does that mean anyways -doesnt want to be around me....wants alone time..often -cant answer whether or not he is in love with me..needs a few days to think about it -makes me..literally forces me to go somewhere i dont want to go when im upset..and tells me he will pick me up at eight....like im just going to sit there and fucking wait for him. -comes home!...even though he wouldnt take me home...to what..to get his goddamn computer and external hard drive.....why?..afraid i will snoop and find something i shouldnt see, been talking to someone i wouldnt appreciate lately? asshole -locks up every bit of anything that could be a possible hazard....with a padlock that only he has the code to. -is probably drinking and or getting high right now. -he is such such such such SUCH a fucking prick. -he thinks i am not a catch..well...i can prove him wrong. -he thinks i cant do better....well...perhaps he shouldnt really push that huh. -someone..whether its you or not...would enjoy being with me im through being treated like a child...if you dont want to be with me..then fucking dont be...but dont string me along..dont act like some fucking controlling douche bag...you cant confidently tell me your in love with me without a few days to think..well here let me answer that terribly difficult fucking question for you. THE END p.s. I WILL NOT CALL YOU bang bang and a bullet through my head.

juno=adorable [10 Feb 2008|04:51pm] You're a part time lover and a full time friend The monkey on you're back is the latest trend I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you I kiss you on the brain in the shadow of a train I kiss you all starry eyed, my body's swinging from side to side I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you Here is the church and here is the steeple We sure are cute for two ugly people I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you The pebbles forgive me, the trees forgive me So why can't, you forgive me? I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you I will find my nitch in your car With my mp3 DVD rumple-packed guitar I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you Du du du du du du dudu Du du du du du du dudu Du du du du du du dudu du Up up down down left right left right B A start Just because we use cheats doesn't mean we're not smart I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you You are always trying to keep it real I'm in love with how you feel I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you We both have shiny happy fits of rage You want more fans, I want more stage I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you Don Quixote was a steel driving man My name is Adam I'm your biggest fan I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you Squinched up your face and did a dance You shook a little turd out of the bottom of your pants I don't see what anyone can see, in anyone else But you Du du du du du du dudu Du du du du du du dudu Du du du du du du dudu du But you call me lame and i will murder you. xox shot 1 Comment bang bang and a bullet through my head.

im a winner baby [30 Jun 2007|11:57am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | the almost ] +44 with a fucking grip of friends. today...is going to be so rad! shot 2 Comments bang bang and a bullet through my head.

without you i dont sleep, just dream [28 Jun 2007|02:28pm] [ mood | excited ] [ music | jacks mannequin ] im waiting waiting waiting. and im ready today is going to be good good GOOD fantastic even. I love you! kiddo bang bang and a bullet through my head.

I love N.Y. [11 Sep 2006|06:33pm] [ mood | thoughtful ] [ music | plus 44 ] i fell into the gap!..pretty sure its not the worst job..ever. started school again...so far..its just school, nothing special. going to disneyland for the nightmare before christmas haunted mansion business! im very excited! and im going to see plus 44 at the filmore in october. it should be amazing. i really want to go to las vegas to see "LOVE" the cirque du soleil beatles tribute show. and lastly i need to figure out what i want to be for halloween so i can make my costume..but i have so many half ideas. also i want a kitten and a new car...we will see. XOXO i'll be there when your heart stops beating bang bang and a bullet through my head.

you should be with your daddy right now [18 Jun 2006|10:21am] [ mood | crushed ] [ music | a perfect circle ] so every year for my dad, on his birthday or whatever i get him a snoopy card..i bet he doesnt notice that though. also for about four years now every summer i would ask my dad to take us to disneyland..he never did, and then this year i have been asking my dad what he wanted to do for fathers day for a good month and a half. my dad told me that maybe this year for fathers day we could go to disneyland, i said really ok..just let me know for sure so i can get the days off, he said ok. then last week my little sister said that they werent going, and my dad said they were probably not going...so i assumed they were not going. and i asked my dad what he wanted to do for fathers day...again, and he said he didnt want to go out of town or anything he just wanted to relax and perhaps go out to dinner, ok fine. so yesterday i call kristen, my dads wife...amd shes all sorry jaz i cant hear to well, im like oh where are you? and she says..oh we canme down to l.a. for the weekend, and we are at universal studios right now, and then today they are going to disneyland...my favorite place in the whole world, and i begged for years to go with my family, and they go without me..and without really telling me. and the best part, i miss my family so much, i am always calling my sister and my dad and my brother, and even kristen..but its like no one really has time for me, i wanted to spend fathers day with my dad so bad...and now i have an entire day to sit around parentless. every year i get to miss out on the mothers day brunch, and the shopping, and flowers, but this year i get to miss out on fathers day too. i know they didnt mean to ditch me, and they didnt meant to hurt me..but they did, and i dont know weather i am more angry or more sad. his card is cute though, i still have to get a stamp so i can send it to him. im going to go make some toast. happy fathers day everyone. xox kiddo shot 2 Comments bang bang and a bullet through my head.

some day you will be loved [13 Jun 2006|12:39am] [ mood | confused ] [ music | death cab ] so today was shit, i cant even explain. what do i do now?! bang bang and a bullet through my head.

i watched all the lights dim when your eyes opened [12 Jun 2006|11:53am] [ mood | excited ] [ music | akaline trio ] so i finally got a new phone, im pretty excited..i had the same phone since like my sophmore year. i got a hot pink razr..its pretty neat. and it will match my hair haha. monterey i miss you!!!!!! but im glad i live here i guess. im having a strange day...like im expecting something..and i cant figure out what it is, but its making me anxious..isnt that weird? my daddy got me a present on his trip, but its a surprise..and i really want to know what it is..he got my little sister a ipod nano..so mines gotta be cool. i want the matt skiba guitar thats out now, it has little skull inlays...its way cool..to bad i dont play. ok seriously i dont know what im waiting for...but its driving me crazy..its like im excited and waiting...for what ,i have no clue. ok im out of shit to say. loves! jaz shot 1 Comment bang bang and a bullet through my head.

come back now! [10 Jun 2006|10:21pm] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | alkaline trio ] i keep having really sharp pains in my chest and collarbone..the left one, and i dont know what the fuck that means but it hurts really bad, like im being stabbed,and it makes me feel like i cant breathe. anyways i really miss my pink hair, i really want to dye it back again..i just have to wait till i get a good job thats ok with it, disney isnt and its kinda shitty. but i think im going to dye it again in the next 3 weeks..maybe throw some blue in there too. oh and my cell phone charger blew up last night, so tomorrow im getting a new phone...there were sparks..it was scary. i want a tattoo of little metal barber scissors, i have wanted em for a while and im thinking about doing it, when i get two more checks. got new jeans today, because i just keep getting fatter, and cant fit in  most of my other pants now. ima go play star wars battlefront and then fall asleep xox Darth kiddo shot 1 Comment bang bang and a bullet through my head.

oh man i thought you were dead! [28 May 2006|12:17am] well well well, look who is finally coming around...ME! i havent been on this in probably a year..well actually i dont really know. but i dont live in monterey anymore, infact i havent for six months. i just finished my first semester at san jose city college. and basically i just wanted to get on be like..whats up, we are back in business bitches! LOVES! spook bang bang and a bullet through my head.

[13 Dec 2004|12:06am] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | time of your life. green day ] my heart hurts, my head hurts...i am just plain sad...i need things to just get better please please please get better. shot 1 Comment bang bang and a bullet through my head.

yeah yeah whateva [26 Oct 2004|05:35pm] [ mood | bored ] [ music | the ramones ] AUGUST: Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends . What does your birth month say about you? brought to you by Quizilla "Hanging out all by myself cause I don’t want to be with anybody else I just want to be with you I just want to have something to do tonight" oh ramones how i love you. put mah feelings to words.. shot 2 Comments bang bang and a bullet through my head.

giving up and giving in [24 Oct 2004|01:17pm] [ mood | cynical ] [ music | death cab for cutie ] giving up...is not a good thing, but sometimes people get to the point where they cannot function properly..thats me..this little robot is malfunctioning..all i want to do..is get out of here, i hate my school..for those of you there that i actually like..i miss you..and im sorry i havent been there..im probably dropping out of MHS, and i may even be moving away for a while. this place is not a place i want to be in...and i want to tear myself away from all of it. there is not anything really keeping me hear, except a few people..and my family, and even those people are kind of letting me down. anyways i just wanted to put this out there for anyone to read, not that anyone will leave a message or whatever...just that its out. i dont know what is going to happen..but hopefully whatever does happen...i can be a bit happier, because this little zombie girl cannot handle it hear anymore..with much of anything, i just wish that i could have someone to depend on, some one to run to atleast, to be taken care of...lets here it for having to be independent your entire life. well kids..it has been..somewhat fun. if i feel the need to contact you, just know that means you are pretty special to me. atleast im not working today...being sick is really great sometimes. xox jaz bang bang and a bullet through my head.

how cute. [05 Oct 2004|06:44pm] [ mood | lonely ] [ music | infection ] you and me have a disease you affect me, you infect me im afflicted, your addicted you and me you and me bang bang and a bullet through my head.

one cool cat [03 Oct 2004|12:38am] [ mood | sleepy ] [ music | new slang ] incase i havent told you yet...I AM GETTING A CAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yeah thats rad. soooo rad. thats the only thing worth saying, because tonight was crap...pure crap. but wait oh yeah...im gettin a car. and not only am i getting a car, im paying for everything on my own. sometimes,i am neat. oh yeah ONE more thing: my auntie lindsay and uncle skip are two of the best people in the world, i love them. they actually take the time to care..super neat and super rad. xo jaz bang bang and a bullet through my head.

scraped up my facebounced my cheek on the floor cause anything worth doing is worth getting hurt for [27 Sep 2004|05:57pm] [ mood | rejected ] [ music | the faint ] today i went to see my "shrink" it wasnt too bad...i cried...alot. you know what sucks? when someone really important to you..doesnt get it...like when you really care about someone and you try really hard to be nice and do things for them,but you are having a hard time dealing with things and they dont get that you are doing things because you care about them even though you are way overwhelmed, and they are kinda mean to you...not understanding that you might need them to be nice or caring at the time...i hate when people are so oblivious to other peoples needs...i know everyone is at times...but i seriously try so hard to take care of people when they need it. ANYWAYS...on a much lighter note... if anyone is going to see the faint on 11/9 please get ahold of me..leave a comment anything..i would love love love to go. take care kiddies. xox bang bang and a bullet through my head.

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